Jeannie from Mesa, Arizona asks:
"Dear Angry Bob, My new boyfriend would rather jack-off than make love to me. I've only gained 35 pounds (if that) since we first met about three months ago. I can't figure out why he's not "in the mood" anymore...things were so CALIENTE when we first got together. What is wrong with him!? :(
Bob answers:
Dear Jeannie,
I can think of about 35 (if that) reasons your man is jacking off. Do you really need to waste your time (and mine) bugging me about your problem, when the answers at home in the goddamn mirror. You've turned into a what they refer to in the scientific community as a FATTY. Jesus Christ girl, what have you been doing for the last three months? Not laying off the donuts, I'm pretty sure of that. This guy must really like you if he hasn't ran out a door at this point, or dove out a window. That poor son of bitch, angrily jacking off and thinking "what in the fuck have I gotten into with this girl?". It's a goddamn wonder he gets any satisfaction AT ALL!! Fuck, I feel like driving over to his house and hitting over the head with a shovel and putting him out of his misery. I tell your story and there's not a court in the land that would convict me. May I ask you a question Jeannie? Do you have access to the outdoors from you home? How about running out there and not stopping until you've dropped 45 pounds. (And yes, goddamn it, I knew you were lying in your letter.)
Don't waste my time again. Fuck.
Angry Bob
Annette from Peoria wants to know....
"When my husband and I first met, we had long and meaningful conversations about everything. But now, after 2 years of marriage, we hardly talk at all. The instant he gets home from work I ask him questions to show I care, How was your day?, How was work?, What are you feeling right now?, What do you mean by "fine"?, Are you mad at me?, What's wrong?, What's wrong with me asking what's wrong?, What do you really mean when you say "Nothing's wrong"?, What do you mean when you say "Sometimes nothing means nothing"? You know, the usual. But he doesn't respond and just clams up. Obviously something's bothering him, what can I do to fix him?"
Bob answers:
Dear Annette,
I can tell from what you are writing about your relationship that something is obviously bothering your husband: you. Christ, when I imaged all those questions flying at your husband as he walks through the door after a hard days work, I want to cut my own fucking head off. Fuck me, if Peoria weren't so goddman far away, I would drive up there and put him out of his misery. "How was your day? How was work?" you ask him. How about SHUT THE HELL UP. Give the guy a goddamn moment to relax and unwind, maybe have a beer. Look, you had two years of goddamn meaningful conversations, that's about a year and eleven months more than you deserve. "What can I do to fix him?" you ask. FIX HIM?! You want to fix him, walk into traffic.
Stop fucking bothering him. And me for that matter,
Angry Bob
Dave of La Crosse, Wisconsin ponders...
Dear Angry Bob, I am a longtime fan of your essence and overjoyed at the opportunity to be in contact with you. Here's my situation: I've had a number of relationships in my life and the women just never seem to "get" me. I like it rough every now and again, give a love tap on the ass in public, or a hand signal/clap to get their attention. It's all a good time. THEY complain about a "chauvinistic attitude" and "hostility toward women". I don't see it.
Bob answers:
Dear Dave,
You fucking piece of work, slapping and hitting women. When I hear fuck holes like you saying "I like it rough once in a while" it usually translates to "I enjoy beating women". Lots of women have pissed off Angry Bob plenty, but you never EVER hit women. And hand signals or claps?! Are you fucking kidding me? BUY A GODDAMN DOG, YOU FUCKING SHIT HEAD. "Women never seem to 'get' me" you write. Oh Dave, if feel like 'getting' you right now and hitting you with a hammer. It is everything I can do not to jump into my 68' International half-ton, head up to Wisconsin, and DRIVE IT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HOUSE(or trailer most likely). With the gas mileage I get, the round trip would cost me about four grand, and buddy, the idea is teetering dangerously close to "worth every penny". Do the women of the world a favor and jump from a cliff.
If I ever see you, I will hit you in the face with a two by four,
Angry Bob
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